Si la duda queda ...

Mi soledad sólo es símbolo de sueños frustrados,
gente perdida y esperanza gritando.
Mis gemidos llegan al corazón de mis muñecas,
mi infancia regresa a sacudirme la cabeza con razones para luchar.
Mi sudor frío acompañado de una intensa sensación de miedo
por lo perdido; mi alma, mi esencia de mujer.
Estos pies descalzos cansados de correr sobre el pasto húmedo que
sólo llega a lugares circulares conocidos,
las piedras de río los invitan a caminar más allá del horizonte.
Esa luz que calienta mi espalda hasta latir
y lo único que quiero es no quedarme en el camino sin sol, sin luz,
sin guía, sin rumbo ... sin corazón.
Esos sentidos sólo confunden la dirección del andante,
expertos en poner trampas que terminan en emociones intensas,
aunque a veces incompletas.
Mi visión es corta, es un pequeño agujero en una gran pared de
madera, al cual entra un rayo deslumbrante que impide el movimiento
y el cambio.
Vulnerable a los hechos, a las personas y al resto del mundo lleno de
sociedades enajenadas a imágenes y principios que sólo quedan en
libros.
Una naturaleza impotente frente a mí me golpea a matar,
a matar a la tipa que no quiere que Elisa siga respirando.

JERR

2004

Shy Beauty

When I was painting “Shy Beauty”, I was very sad, because I felt alone. I have no security. I didn´t want in that moment a social life and adapt to new friends or new activities. The worst thing was that I didn´t want to do anything to change it.

Firstly, the most dificult thing is to identify the problem, and a little text by Hermann Hesse in Siddhartha helped me:

“ Siddhartha said- some people take and others give; life seems to consist on that.-

Kamaswami asked Siddartha- But allowme: You have nothing, so what can you give?-

Siddhartha answered – Each one gives what he has. The warrior gives strength, the merchant his commodity, the teacher his knowledge, the farmer his rice, the fisherman his fish.

Kamaswami said – Perfectly. But let´s see, what about you? Do you have something to give?

Siddhartha replied – I can think, I can wait, I can fast.”

So I thought about me and I saw inside me. I identified all the things that created dependence and the things that I wanted to give. I understood too that I have to learn to wait and be patient with my plans and other important things for me.

Then I remembered “The Teachings of Don Juan” by Carlos Cataneda in which he says:

“ Just travel the ways that have a heart; any way that has a heart, over it I travel; and the only proof that counts is to cross all its length. And over it I travel, looking, looking without breath.”

All this just to understand that every thing I do, I really have to desire it with all my heart. If I want to be happy.

Finally, another anecdote that happened in “ The inexistent gentleman” by Italo Calvino. It was very funny, but the most interesting thing in that history was:

There are two protagonists, one had been named “Gurdulú or Gudi-Ussuf or Ben-Va-Ussuf or Ben-Stanbul or Pestanzul or Bertinzul or Martinbón or Homobón or Homobestia or el Adefesio del Valle or Juan Payaso or Per Pachugo” which is very strange, because he doesn´t know that he exists. For example, he adopts the activities of anything that´s arround him; like a tree or a frog or in one occasion he was eating soup when he didn´t know if he was the soup or if he was the eater.

The other protagonist is “Agilulfo Emo Bertrandino de los Guildivernos y de los otros de Corbentraz y sura”, a white armour with nothing inside it (apparently) because the force that moves and supports it, comes from will and conviction, with which things he has made his identity.

It´s about the difference between being and believing that you are.

So that´s what I think when I see the painting.