Shy Beauty

When I was painting “Shy Beauty”, I was very sad, because I felt alone. I have no security. I didn´t want in that moment a social life and adapt to new friends or new activities. The worst thing was that I didn´t want to do anything to change it.

Firstly, the most dificult thing is to identify the problem, and a little text by Hermann Hesse in Siddhartha helped me:

“ Siddhartha said- some people take and others give; life seems to consist on that.-

Kamaswami asked Siddartha- But allowme: You have nothing, so what can you give?-

Siddhartha answered – Each one gives what he has. The warrior gives strength, the merchant his commodity, the teacher his knowledge, the farmer his rice, the fisherman his fish.

Kamaswami said – Perfectly. But let´s see, what about you? Do you have something to give?

Siddhartha replied – I can think, I can wait, I can fast.”

So I thought about me and I saw inside me. I identified all the things that created dependence and the things that I wanted to give. I understood too that I have to learn to wait and be patient with my plans and other important things for me.

Then I remembered “The Teachings of Don Juan” by Carlos Cataneda in which he says:

“ Just travel the ways that have a heart; any way that has a heart, over it I travel; and the only proof that counts is to cross all its length. And over it I travel, looking, looking without breath.”

All this just to understand that every thing I do, I really have to desire it with all my heart. If I want to be happy.

Finally, another anecdote that happened in “ The inexistent gentleman” by Italo Calvino. It was very funny, but the most interesting thing in that history was:

There are two protagonists, one had been named “Gurdulú or Gudi-Ussuf or Ben-Va-Ussuf or Ben-Stanbul or Pestanzul or Bertinzul or Martinbón or Homobón or Homobestia or el Adefesio del Valle or Juan Payaso or Per Pachugo” which is very strange, because he doesn´t know that he exists. For example, he adopts the activities of anything that´s arround him; like a tree or a frog or in one occasion he was eating soup when he didn´t know if he was the soup or if he was the eater.

The other protagonist is “Agilulfo Emo Bertrandino de los Guildivernos y de los otros de Corbentraz y sura”, a white armour with nothing inside it (apparently) because the force that moves and supports it, comes from will and conviction, with which things he has made his identity.

It´s about the difference between being and believing that you are.

So that´s what I think when I see the painting.